Friday, 4 October 2013

Day 4: AM - I need a drink, a really big one

I knew that today was going to be significant. I knew that today was going to be exciting and sad. What I didn't know is how many other random things would combine to leave me very much wanting a drink right now. It figures that this all happens while I'm trying to treat my body like a temple. But if I can't drink, then I guess I'll blog. Here goes..

One of the people I loved and have lost over these last three months was my partner and best friend of 10 years. Let's call him 'Archer' after one of his favourite animated characters - I certainly don't think he would object. About 15 months ago, Archer and I were in a really loved up phase after going through some really rough times when we found out that we had both landed amazing jobs. For the first time in our lives we were both enjoying success and both earning good money. It was a really special time that felt like the beginning of something great.

So it feels very significant that I am ending this job today, after 15 months, whilst being miles away from that girl and that boy who were happily planning for the rest of their lives. More so because Archer is now loved up with the girl who he left me for, the girl who he met at his amazing new job.

But as is the way of things, I happened to have a job interview this morning as well. So a sad day for leaving, but a happy day of new possibilities. Just as I was leaving work to go to the interview, I got an email. From Archer. In that strange synchronistic timing that he and I have always had, he picked that moment to reply to an email that I had sent him a week ago. Shaking with sadness and anger and loss I felt able to quickly reply and get across what I needed him to know before jumping in a cab and heading to my interview. It's funny to think that the interview was the least significant part of my day but it's true. It went smoothly and was interesting and I have already heard that they would like to proceed to second interview.

As I left the interview I checked my phone only to see that I had a message from a very dear someone who I lost in the fall-out of my relationship. That friendship is down, but maybe not out. There are a lot of layers of hurt to sift through first. But I think we both want to try. And even if it doesn't work, I feel sure that I will be able to walk away grateful that I knew this person.

By this stage I should have been a complete mess, but in fact I was only shaking slightly as I headed back to work for my farewell lunch. If at any time previously in these last three months this had happened, even over a couple of days, I would not have been able to stop the tears from falling. But I am proud to say that although the pain I feel is deep, I have held it together. I am able to think clearly through the fog of my hurt and know that the pain will lessen eventually.

So now I'm headed out for a walk. My head and my heart may be hurting but my body is not. And thank fuck for that. I'm going to go and walk and walk and walk and let the wind blow away my worries and the sunshine warm my soul.

L x

Summary
Mental state: sad, mad, glad
Physical state: strong and light

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