Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Day 1: Morning - what the actual fuck?

Woke up nervous but excited about starting the program.

First things first - get on the scales (good lord), then measure every surface of myself and record the findings (I think I have a fine, swan-like neck).

Next up I headed to the kitchen and poured myself a shot of this tonic stuff that is the colour of watery poo.  My amazing cleanse coach (and trusted friend of 20 years) Kristy assures me that it's better to approach this like a shot of tequila at the bar - slam it down fast then chase it with something else.

Like I have done many times before I took a deep breath and took the shot. Having put the stuff in the fridge the night before, it was pleasantly cold and masked the oncoming taste of mouldy ass until it was at the back of my throat and I was chugging water like a college kid with a beer bong at a keg party.

Feeling slightly smug, I started to prepare my shake. Adding two scoops of pleasant smelling chocolate powder to water and ice, I blended it up and poured it out feeling relieved about how it looked like a slightly watery chocolate thick shake and how good it smelled; maybe this liquid breakfast was going to be ok after all.


Much like how vanilla essence smells like heaven but tastes like hell if you swig it straight from the bottle, this shit was like someone had crushed up an entire bottle of multi-vitamins and then waved some cocoa and coconut over the top in a half-hearted attempt to make it palatable. That person should be fired from their job immediately. IMMEDIATELY!

It took me 15 minutes but I ingested every last sip of that monstrosity. By the last mouthful I was gagging and my stomach felt like it was full to capacity. I grabbed a small glass of water and quickly swallowed my first pill for the day - something called an accelerator. I was having visions of it accelerating my chocolate covered vomit all over my kitchen.

I got to work still feeling like I was locked in an epic battle of control with my stomach. It wanted to fervently eject its contents and I wanted very much for them to stay exactly where they were. I texted Kristy and asked if I had done something wrong because surely the shake is not supposed to be like that.

She replied immediately - laughing at me. And then broke it down like this: the more acidic my body is, the worse it will taste. As my body starts to alkilise, the taste will change and I may even come to love it. It's a good thing I love and trust this woman because by this stage I am feeling sick and seriously questioning my mental health.

my reply to Kristy's assertions that this would only be temporary pain.

So here we are at morning tea time. I am still the most bloated and nauseated person alive. But I am sipping water in an effort to push this stuff through my system ASAP. I have decided against having any morning tea in an attempt to not antagonise my already unhappy tummy. Instead I have just taken my second tablet for the day - this one is designed to flush out my system but I am assured that it will NOT having me running for the loo and unable to leave.

Mental state: cautiously optimistic
Physical state: slightly headachey, very bloated and spewy

Only 29.5 days to go!

L x

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