Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Day 29: the bionic woman

I had a great sleep which made it easier to get up early as I had a chiro appointment in the afternoon that I needed to leave work early for. I had my tonic and shake and headed off to work at 7:30am.

As per the day before, I was STARVING by 10am. I settled that with a cup of tea but only made it until 11:45am before I went and had a sushi lunch. I can only assume it is the huge amounts of brain power that I am using to learn my new job that is making me ravenous. The day passed in another blur of learning and concentration and then I was on my way to the chiro. For the first time in over a year, and despite the fact that I had been sick with a migraine on Saturday, my hips were perfectly straight and aligned. I can't really explain how good that was to hear. This is REAL progress. This is healing.

I bounced out of the chiro so excited about what that meant for me in my recovery and headed for home. Then hunger struck - again. Deciding to listen to my body I went to my favourite sushi train in the city and ordered my favourite dishes while sipping a green tea and reflecting on how good my hips are becoming (and yes, that's sushi twice in one day).

Once home, I decided to drink as much water as possible before turning in for an early night ahead of my final day on the challenge and my last cleanse day!

L x

Mental state - tired
Physical state - strong! (..and hungry)

Monday, 28 October 2013

Day 28: just another manic Monday

So maybe being smug about having a migraine then drinking for 10 hours was a little premature. I was excited to start a full week at my lovely new job but had to drrrraaaaaagggggggg my sorry ass out of bed. And then I felt like I was playing catch up for the rest of the day. 

I'm not sure if it's because I'm drinking my breakfast shake so early or because of the hangover hangover but I was ravenous from about 10am. I ate half a fibre snacks bar at morning tea time, then only just made it to 12:30pm to eat some sushi for lunch.

After that I was too busy to think about food and the afternoon passed in a blur of new information and learning. By the time I made it home I was so exhausted that I made my dinner and went to bed at 8pm! 

Only two more days left in this little big challenge, and I think it's fair to say I'm going to miss it when it's over.

L x

Mental state - tired
Physical state - hungry

Day 27: the hangover

After the excess of Saturday night and the very late hour I fell into bed, it is no wonder that when I woke up at 8am all I did was feed the cats, drink a bottle of water and fall straight back into bed before my hangover had time to realise that I was awake.

Opening my eyes at 11am I was expecting the worst. Of course I was. You can't throw a cleanse right out the window and expect to get off easily... or can you? Turns out I was extremely tired but NOT hungover!

So I had my tonic and shake then settled into the couch for a long day of watching movies and resting. At lunch time I made myself a scrambled egg and mushroom wrap with chilli sauce and watched World War Z. Before I knew it, it was Sunday night so I had my shake and watched some David Attenborough before taking myself to bed at 8:30pm for an early night.

I was drinking water constantly throughout the day to help my body process the alcohol I had consumed but apart from being tired all day I was good as gold (just another sign I am becoming a super hero).

L x

Mental state - surprised, reflective
Physical state - tired

Sunday, 27 October 2013

Day 26: wine, women and song

I woke up feeling refreshed and energized - that was a big sleep! However, just as I was getting up to start my day, disaster struck - I got a migraine! I quickly took my tonic shot and followed it with some painkillers before making my shake and heading straight back to bed. As soon as I had finished my shake I lay back down, closed my eyes and tried to sleep it off. Amazingly I was able to go to sleep and I managed to get through the migraine with minimal pain and in good time. I stayed in bed until the very last minute before I had to get up, have a shake, shower and head out for my girls afternoon that had been in the planning for a month. There was no way I was going to miss this day. I felt pretty spacey and sore but knew that a couple of beverages would help that.

That is the first migraine I've had in 26 days which is a significant milestone for me and my dodgy hips, but is not surprising considering the stress of starting a new job. What is surprising is how quickly I was able to recover and actually get myself out of bed and able to form coherent thoughts.

What followed was an afternoon and evening of lots of fun and laughter and booze! Being with these awesome chicks made me feel so much better that I kind of threw the cleanse out the window and went with the flow. Including late night, drunken McDonald's. I wish I could remember if it was any good. Eventually I collapsed into bed in the wee hours of the morning trying to drink as much water as possible before my eyes finally closed.

That is a fairly short update for what was a long and lovely evening but the main thing I took away from this day is that good company can cure just about anything.

L x

Mental state - spacey but excited
Physical state - bit sore and achey

Saturday, 26 October 2013

Day 25: hit the ground running

What a big day! Luckily I got to work from our city office today so it was only a 15 minute trip to get to work. I got up early and went through my morning routine, remembering to pack all my pills and snacks for the day ahead.

Having my shake so early and using my brain again meant I was actually hungry at morning tea time so I had my pills and half a fibre snacks bar. Before I knew it, it was lunch time and I went and tried out the local sushi train. You may have realised by now that I love japanese food and could happily eat it every single day. I should probably just move to Japan.

Before I knew it, it was 5pm and being Friday, most people were getting out of there so I took my chance and left too as my brain was at capacity. I decided to walk home to try and process and download my first two days. It was a nice half an hour walk and I felt relaxed and ready for a quiet night in as Saturday is a girls day out that has been planned a month in advance and I wanted to be refreshed and relaxed!

I had my dinner shake, set myself up on the couch ready to blog and watch a movie when I fell asleep! I eventually woke myself up and took myself to bed and that was my big Friday night. The best part - I can't wait for Monday :)

L x

Mental state - exhausted
Physical state - lots of energy

Friday, 25 October 2013

Day 24: work in progress

Today was everything and more than I could have hoped for. This role is going to push me, excite me, scare me and most of all - reward me. I have so many ideas already. Parts of my brain that have been dormant due to knowing my old job so well, and emotional pain taking front and centre have fired up today. There is so much I want to write about but I also need time to process it and wind down so I can get some sleep!

This evening I have felt very keenly that I have closed a chapter on my life. It is a bitter-sweet feeling. What is in front of me feels like limitless opportunity if I only reach out and grab it with both hands. So that is what I intend to do, but first I need to accept and appreciate all of the people and experiences that have helped shape my path - the good (and there are so many!), but especially the bad, because the hardest steel is forged only in the hottest fires. And tonight I can see that although I have felt fractured and broken, I am in fact only bent. And in time, that shit will buff right out :)

L x

Mental state - buzzing
Physical state - good as gold

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

Day 23: looking forward, looking back

As per usual after a cleanse day I woke up feeling refreshed and full of energy. I could tell because at 6:30am I couldn't sleep anymore. Deciding it was best to get back into a work day routine, I got up at 7:30 and weighed, measured, photographed myself before shotting and shaking. The forecast was for temps of up to 35 degrees today so I took advantage of my early start and set out for a walk.

My body is really starting to respond now and I am improving my speeds every walk. My body just feels lighter and more fluid and I can feel myself wanting to go faster and faster. This happened when I first discovered running so I'm feeling extremely hopeful that my power walks will soon turn into runs. To encourage recovery I did a 15 minute relaxation yoga class as soon as I got home. I am seriously loving this yoga app! I can feel my creaky, stiff hips gradually starting to give a little. After that it was straight into the bikini to get one more dose of vitamin D. I lay on my balcony listening to music and just enjoying the feeling of warm sun on skin. It was completely indulgent bliss. 

Lunch in the city with LPR was fantastic. A gigantic Japanese lunch box of tempura, sashimi, miso and unlimited green tea had me grinning like an idiot at the simple joy of eating good food. I really am happiest when sharing a meal with someone I love, someone who I can talk openly and honestly with. I feel so lucky to have found LPR.

After that it was time to face reality and go and sign my new contract. Two and a half weeks of spring time unemployment has been truly life affirming and allowed me to recharge my batteries, I am so grateful that it has worked out this way but I am excited to start my next adventure tomorrow.

We have come a long way in 23 days this little blog and me; with only a week left in this 30 day challenge I am really starting to reflect and evaluate. But if I'm honest, I guess a part of me is waiting for the downside too - the kick in the guts that I expect to happen after feeling so good. I know this is a by-product of having my heart trampled and my trust destroyed so I'm not giving it too much significance but I am acknowledging it and letting myself feel it. One thing I know I have learnt from this experience is that you have to be kind to yourself first, so that's what I'm trying to do. 

Bedtime now, can't wait to report back tomorrow :)

L x

Mental state - reflective
Physical state - Stretched and strong

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Day 22: of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most

I woke up thinking about food today - not a good sign. After I had my tonic shot and berry cocktail I decided to jump straight into distracting myself by doing a 30 minute yoga class from my new yoga app. It was a flexibility lesson so was great for opening up my hips and stretching my quads and hamstrings.

I finished the session completely blissed out and not like I had overdone it energy-wise. That feeling lasted until my lunch time cocktail, after which I took a small nap (man I really love napping!). Since waking up from that nap, all I have done is torture myself with thoughts of food. It's not that I am hungry or my blood sugar is low - I just still miss chewing actual food.

I distracted myself further by playing on the internet and looking for things to buy. One of the hobbies that Archer and I shared when we were together was urban/street art. One of our favourite artists is releasing a print on Thursday so I sent Archer a text to let him know. We had some banter back and forth, and just general chit-chat. It's amazing how normal and nice it is to chat to my friend. Letting go was really the best thing I could have done.

So now I have just had my dinner cocktail and am going to have a long, hot shower and an early night. This by far has been the most challenging cleanse day. Mostly because it all feels so normal and part of my routine now; the novelty factor has worn off and so my mind is looking for stimulation. Apparently my mind is also a jerk and can only think about food.

Foods I have fantasised about today:
- king prawn udon noodle soup
- salmon sushi
- chicken fajitas and pork tortas
- a cheeseburger the size of my head

L x

Mental state - obsessed with food
Physical state - relaxed

Monday, 21 October 2013

Day 21: back to life, back to reality

Woke up from incredibly detailed and vivid dreams again. I will have to start writing them down. They really are like feature length movies. I got up and after my tonic and shake I went for a walk! Can't believe how fluid my body felt. No soreness or stiffness after not pounding the pavement in over a week. I really might be turning into a superhero.. you can all laugh now, but if I start flying or having super strength or x-ray vision - you are all gonna want a piece of that.

I made another delicious guacamole for lunch but was unable to eat the whole thing this time - but still gave it a red hot go. After my walk I could feel that I was burning through the calories so I made sure to eat afternoon tea as well. The rest of the day was spent doing my nails, getting my contract sorted out, napping (in my top 5 things to do - always) and making LPR laugh via text. Seriously, we send each other crazy, funny or abusive texts all day - it's kind of the best. Now I am waiting for my flatmate to get home as she was away for the whole weekend so we have a lot of story-swapping to do!

I am also going to download a yoga app (how Gen Y) so that when I am cleansing tomorrow I can do some stretching and movement with minimum energy expenditure. I really need to start elongating the muscles in my legs, back and hips so that I can be strong and long and lean (and fight crime in a kick-arse super suit).

L x

Mental state - chilled
Physical state - energised

Day 20: sleeping on the job

I woke up at 9:45am on DWYFLS feeling quite exhausted which is amazing for me. Since this challenge started I have not been able to sleep much past 7:15am, that's how full of energy I am. A big weekend of fun and frivolity had obviously taken it out of me and I was happily planning to spend the day doing sweet FA.

After my shake and my pills, I put on my bikini and lay out on my balcony for a couple of hours doing nothing but listening to music and working on my tan. My jewellery designer friend, the little pocket rocket (LPR) came around and we had a late lunch before we headed back to my place and ended up both falling asleep. We napped for about two hours so we both must have needed it!

Afternoon turned to evening and I had my shake and went to bed. A perfectly unremarkable day.

me for most of the day
L x

Mental state - chilled
Physical state - sleeeeeeeepy

Sunday, 20 October 2013

Day 19: down the rabbit hole

I felt slow and low on energy starting the day, probably due to not following my routine the evening before, and eating and drinking things rich and fatty. But I got myself up and out of the house to go fancy dress shopping as it was my friends Alice in Wonderland themed hens party that night.

What followed was hours of indecision and torture but in the end I decided to go as Alice's cat Dinah which meant I only needed ears, a tail and some creative make up, and could wear my own clothes. When I finally made it home from shopping I had a shake for lunch then headed to bed for a nap!

I woke up, and with help of a youtube tutorial set about transforming myself into a cat, which basically meant covering a large portion of my face in black eyeliner. Walking out to get a cab was an interesting experience but luckily it was brief, however my cab driver did think I looked highly amusing.

Having had a shake for breakfast and lunch I was feeling that familiar satisfied feeling and not at all hungry. I arrived at my friends house and the party got started. I ate some dumplings, had a couple of cocktails, and danced up a storm (I have the blisters to prove it). By the time I made it home I was ready for my bed, but had to take 20 minutes first and scrub the tar off my face lest it look like there was an oil spill in my bed in the morning. I drank as much water as possible before crashing out, and that was Saturday done and dusted.

L x

Mental state - bubbly
Physical state - partied out

Day 18: girls just wanna have fun

This was a day of pure pampering and fun. I got up and followed my usual routine then headed to the hairdresser to get beautified. From there I went back into the city for some sushi and shopping with a friend.

Running late after spending too much time enjoying the sales, I got a pedicure then hotfooted it home to shower and change for my date! It has been a long time since I have gone out for dinner and drinks with a man other than Archer so I was nervous and excited.

I intended to have my dinner shake before heading out but by the time I was ready I only had time to grab my jacket and get a cab. Dinner and drinks were a success. My date and I laughed and chatted away the whole evening, and I couldn't stop smiling. Beer and wine and pork belly were consumed, but in much smaller doses than before as I can only assume my stomach has shrunk (for shame), but what made up for it was how much I could taste everything, and of course - the excellent company.

L x

Mental state - excited
Physical state - excited

Thursday, 17 October 2013

Day 17: food, glorious foooood!

I woke up and bounded out of bed this morning. Never have I been so excited to drink my shake. Before I did that, I weighed and measured myself and the results are pretty interesting - another 2kg and 7.5cm lost. Best of all, I am really starting to notice more muscle definition in my legs and arms.

I decided to go back to day one and try my shakes with ice today now that I can enjoy the taste. So powder, blueberries, ice and water went in the blender and a delicious smoothie came out - winning. For lunch I did eat an entire organic avocado. I made guacamole and I could not scoop it into my mouth fast enough. That may be the best guacamole I have ever eaten - delayed gratification in action.

The rest of this day has been wonderfully uneventful so now I am headed off to bed a happy camper who is looking forward to tomorrow, mostly because I have a date - eeeee!

L x

Mental state - happy
Physical state - relaxed

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Day 16: PM - the final countdown

So here we are. Nearly at the end of a double cleanse day. Considering food hasn't passed my lips since Monday night, I think I am doing pretty good. I am having incredibly detailed fantasies about pizza and chinese food but apart from that I am coping pretty well.

I had a big energy drop at about 5:30pm where I was actually considering going to bed, but the thought of waking up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 3am helped me push through. After two days of berry slushies - I am over them. Drinking my shake in the morning is going to feel like a freakin' holiday.

I have to say that I have felt constantly surprised by this challenge. Not by how hard it is, but by how easy it is. I truly expected to be feeling constantly hungry or tired but am happy to be proved wrong so far. I am someone that loves to have a good baseline routine so that I am ready to take on whatever else life throws at me and this program has definitely provided that. I am over the half way mark now and very much looking forward to charting the rest of my progress. But for now - sleep (geez I hope this post has made sense).

L x

Mental state - fuzzy
Physical state - sleepy

Day 16: AM - 2 fast 2 furious

So, dear readers, today we are boldly going where no me has ever gone before. A double fast day. Yeah that's right. My avocado fantasy is going to have to wait. In line with a lot of the research, I am doing what you may know as a 5:2 week. Basically, today I will be replicating my routine from yesterday (minus the grocery shopping) and just drinking my berry cocktails. This is supercharged delayed gratification.

I figure that since I am off work and this is an experiment, there is no better time than now. I woke up feeling really good and not hungry - so far so good. I have just had all my morning pills, potions and cocktail and just nibbled on a green tea dark chocolate.

The only unusual emotion I currently feel is rage towards my recruiter who seems to be reaching a level of panic over the fact that I haven't yet signed my contract for my new job. He has been calling me twice a day since Monday to freak out about security checks and references. My annoyance is not entirely his fault and more representative of the general distaste I have for the recruitment industry based on some of the poor practices and used car salesman tactics I have been exposed to over the years. But still, he needs to chill out. Maybe he could use a 30 day cleanse/detox?

I am going to go lie in the sun now and think zen thoughts.

L x

Mental state - lots of deep breathing
Physical state - ogres are like onions but everybody loves parfait

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Day 15: the fast and the furious

So here we are on cleanse/fast day number two. And it hasn't been bad at all. In fact it was a dream compared to last weeks cleanse (minus the drunk feeling. Sad face. That was awesome).

I woke up feeling much recovered and ready to make cocktails. To help my immune system today I also took a tablet called Super Greens that contains wheat grass, spirulina, something else and most importantly chlorella which is like a super bad-ass antioxidant. I made my berry drinks more like slurpees today which made them super fun and less sweet whilst upping my water intake. I also found by snacking on just two green tea chocolates I also avoided the feeling of sugar overload but without my blood sugar dropping.

Doesn't that look delicious?!

I spent the day sun baking, relaxing and chatting with friends (some of whom thought it was hilarious to tell me all about what they were eating - jerks). The only slightly stupid thing I did was go grocery shopping. If you are not eating solid food, I do not recommend going to the one place specifically filled with chewy deliciousness. I walked out of there fantasising about eating an entire bbq chicken and a whole avocado but am happy to report that the cravings passed within minutes. Mostly. One thing this cleanse is teaching me is the value of delayed gratification. I am going to eat an entire avocado for lunch tomorrow and it is going to taste so freakin' good because I had to wait for it.

L x

Mental state - cheeky
Physical state - sleepy

Monday, 14 October 2013

Day 14: of mice and men

After going to sleep feeling so good it was a rude shock to wake up feeling so bad. I have been in bed sick all day and I'm still not better. I feel so bad, I think I might even have man-flu (feeling very whiney, complaining loudly to the cats - who just don't care at all!). I hope whatever it is that it's over quickly as I am missing book club right now and I never miss book club! But that's how 'meh' I feel.

I feel sick without feeling sick. As in, I think my body is fighting something off and that's the symptoms I'm dealing with. I have drunk a lot of water today to try and help myself, and I have put off my fast/cleanse day until tomorrow so that I could get all the goodness of the shakes into me. Kristy did say that this could be part of the detox, that all of the crap is starting to make it's way out of my system. When I think of that, I imagine the seven dwarfs walking off to work in single file and singing...

"heigh-ho, heigh-ho.."

Yes, that is weird. But I'm sick, why would you ask me anyway? Shoosh, I'm going to sleep now.

L x

Mental state - happy
Physical state - tired, headachey, temperature

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Day 13: sun day, fun day

Do whatever you feel like Sunday is even more special when you don't have to go to work the next day, and I am definitely cherishing this time off before starting my exciting new work adventure.

I woke up refreshed and content after the exhaustion of yesterday. I sun baked for a couple of hours before heading to the farewell of drinks for some dear friends moving to Spain. It's quite amazing how easy it was to sip one glass of wine over a couple of hours and not feel like I was missing out. Then it was on to dinner with a friend, before walking home on this warm spring night only to be yelled at from a pub balcony by another friend so I popped in for a quick chat (I am, like totes, a social butterfly).

I am surprised by how easy this program is becoming day-to-day and how quickly I have become accustomed to not feeling hungry. So much so that I have to remind myself to eat lunch or take my pills at morning and afternoon tea because I'm just not thinking about food. I have also done minimal exercise this week, not from lack of motivation or injury, more because I have been so busy! I'm definitely looking forward to getting up early in the morning and getting back out there.

L x

Mental state - calm
Physical state - good as gold

Saturday, 12 October 2013

Day 12: ghost busters

It was another glorious Sydney day, and one that I appreciated even more knowing that I will be starting a new contract next week. I found out yesterday afternoon that I got the job. This is a big role, for a big company and I feel almost in awe of what I'm about to begin. This is a new beginning, where no one will know me as one half of L and Archer, no one will know about the break up and the sadness. Like my home, this job belongs just to me.

I woke up this morning feeling exhausted in body and mind. I think yesterday really took it out of me. Before finding out about my new job, I met Archer for brunch to sort out paying back his half of the bond and as a goodbye of sorts. We hadn't sat and talked like that since before he left. And it was good. In addition to being my partner, Archer was my best friend for 10 years. We have known each other for 20 years so I feel like there are two Archers - my partner and my friend. Throughout these 3 months, I have missed my friend the most, which I think speaks volumes.

Because I decided to let go of my hurt and anger and my search for answers, I got to see my friend again yesterday. As we chatted about our new lives, I felt the weight and poison of our break up shifting inside me and floating away. And then the happiness came pouring in to fill the void. L and Archer the couple have been put to rest. Their ghosts won't haunt me anymore.

So I have embraced the exhaustion today, I am taking stock and reflecting on how far I have come, and how much I have to be grateful for. But spending the day with strong, beautiful women who came together to raise funds for breast cancer has given me energy. In fact, I have to run - they're calling me now :)

L x

Mental state - exhausted
Physical state - exhausted

Day 11: every little thing is gonna be alright

This day was so momentous, I barely know where to begin. But in the context of this blog, I was so busy that my routine was thrown out. I ate and drank odd things at odd times except for my shakes at the beginning and end of the day. I still had lots of energy, almost too much as I forgot to eat lunch until 3pm.

This was a day of happiness and joy, and it is so pure and dear to my heart that I don't think I'm ready to talk about it yet. I can say with certainty though, that it is the best day I have had this whole year.

L x

Mental state - happy
Physical state - batteries at full capacity

Friday, 11 October 2013

Day 10: hot in the city

This day has been perfectly unremarkable. Except it's no longer today. It's tomorrow and I'm only just getting the chance to tell you about it now.

Sun, smiles, laughter, anticipation, expectation, surprise - that is all... kinda  ;)

L x

Mental state - content
Physical state - relaxed

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Day 9: clear eyes, full heart, can't lose

Some days you're the windscreen and some days you're the bug. Today I was the windscreen. I started my day with the second interview for that job. It went really well and I will know by the end of this week.

I then walked though the city and up to my friends office and had a delicious sushi lunch with her, before spending the afternoon playing in her office. Did I mention she is a jewellery designer? What an amazing few hours of watching her work - so much talent in such a tiny little person but with a heart so big and kind and generous. She is good people.

After that I was off to sign MY lease (I'm never going to get tired of stating that) before heading out to dinner with my gorgeous friend (and cleansing mentor) Kristy for her birthday dinner. Now I am home, drinking my shake and taking some time to reflect. My body and mind are feeling so strong, I can't wait to see what happens next on this cleansing journey.

L x

Mental state - happy
Physical state - strong

Home is where my heart is

Just over twelve months ago, Archer and I found out that we had to move out of our apartment as the owner was selling. We were devastated. Weeks of scouring the internet then followed until finally the most perfect apartment came up - it was one street away and north facing.

Competition for apartments in our area is fierce. You can get 20-50 couples turn up to a viewing and half of them will come with completed applications and deposits. I arrived at the viewing on a Wednesday at 11:15am or whatever random time it was and as the agent was herding us hopefuls up the stairs a man with a toddler came out of the building. I viewed the apartment and as I suspected - it was everything we wanted. I grabbed an application and ran out of there so I could get back to the office to complete it.

As I got outside, the man with the toddler was sitting on the curb, trying to keep his baby entertained. I realised that he must be the current tenant, so I just stopped and said hi, and thanked him for sitting in the hot sun with his baby so that we could sticky beak around his place. He was shocked and thankful that someone had even acknowledged him. We ended up having a really nice 15 minute chat and then I headed back to work.

It turns out that he and his wife were actually very good friends of the owner, and after our conversation he called them and told them that if I put in an application that they should rent to us because I took the time to say thanks. And that's exactly what they did. The owners told the real estate to accept our application when it came in. That is the power of one small act of kindness. Of acknowledging someone else. Today that one act of kindness had another impact on my life.

When Archer moved out of our home I was determined to stay. This apartment is warm, inviting and makes everyone who enters it feel relaxed and welcomed. It's kind of magic. Archer desperately needs his money for the bond back so we advised the real estate that he has moved out and that I would be taking over the remaining lease. I also advised them that it was my absolute intention to re-sign for another year on my own as I am so happy living here.

Yesterday afternoon, after I had decided to finally let go, I got an email from the real estate. She had told the owners about my situation and my wish to take on the lease by myself. Much to her surprise and to my delight, the owners were not only happy to have just me sign on for another year but they offered it to me at the same price, they were not seeking a rent increase.

So as of this afternoon, my home is now just that - all mine. My heart is so full of gratitude I can barely stop the tears. Never have I been more sure that the energy that you put into the world is what comes back to you. And the happiness comes pouring in..

L x

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Day 8: PM - I've always been a storm

Over these last three months I have looked for meaning in a lot of places. Mostly because the one person who could give me answers turned his back and ran away. I am someone who runs towards the truth, knowing that it sets my soul free. At times, I am probably too honest but no truth has ever hurt me as much as lies and deceit have; the wound I have from these things is wide and deep.

In my search for meaning I have read some of the works of a 13th century Persian poet/theologian/mystic and one thing in particular has stuck with me over these last few days:

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

One of my beautiful friends who has been there every damn day for me over this time told me something similar when I called her today. She told me to let go of my search for truth and answers because it only keeps me connected to someone who is so busy running from himself that he doesn't really exist anymore. She told me to let this shadow just fade away so that infinite happiness can come pouring in.

I thought on this and then decided to take the advice of this very wise woman. Letting go doesn't mean that what happened is ok, it just means that my future is worth more. I still value integrity and truth above most things but I am going to stop seeking them in a place where these things have not lived for a very long time. At the end of this day I can sleep soundly, my conscience clear and my soul intact. That is worth more than all the vindication in the world. And already the happiness and light have started pouring in.

L x

Mental state - grateful, at peace
Physical state - strong

Day 8: AM - no beer and no tv, make homer something something..

Convinced I was going to dream about food all night and wake up at the arse crack of dawn to eat everything in the house, I was surprised when I awoke at the very reasonable time of 7am after having a deep and restful sleep. Also, I wasn't crazy hungry. I was able to go through my routine and record all my measurements and take my pictures before heading out to have my tonic and shake.

How I expected yesterday to end
The numbers are interesting. I lost 2kg of fat and 15cm off my body overall. Where I saw the least reductions was in my legs which tells me that I am building much needed muscle there. So, high five me! My mind and body feel strong and resilient after a day without solid food but I am not going to exercise today just in case. I just got home from seeing my chiropractor who confirmed that my body is doing all the things it is supposed to, with my right hip only being a little twisted.

So, let's go week 2 - I am going to smash you!

L x

Mental state - motivated
Physical state - so freakin' good!

Monday, 7 October 2013

Day 7: PM - my kingdom for a pringle

So my lunch cocktail went down a treat and I spent the next few hours having a snack every hour and drinking a lot of water (I believe the technical term is 'a shit-tonne'). I also watched 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High' which was complete 80's goodness. Like anyone who is tipsy in the day time, I then felt very warm and sleepy so I made my afternoon cocktail and took myself off to have a nap.

Upon waking, the first thing I thought of was food. Specifically the packet of chips that I had in the pantry, all covered in salty deliciousness. I was officially done with sweet cocktails and snacks. I wanted saaaaaallllllltttttttt. Aware that my blood sugar levels had probably dropped while I was sleeping, I got up and made my dinner cocktail. As soon as I drank it, I felt better, but I followed it not long after with the other cleanse day snack - green-tea infused dark chocolate (surprisingly good). Although not the salty hit I was looking for, it definitely gave me a boost.

Since waking from my nap I have been fantasising about all the things I am going to eat tomorrow. Unsurprising for anyone who knows me - sushi is at the top of the list. I am going to put it in and around my mouth and savour every last mouthful. What is significant is that while I am dreaming about eating, not once have I felt hungry today or like I am starving myself. I can't really explain that, I will need to do more research on the ingredients of all my pills and potions. But my body definitely feels like it got what it needed to get me through this day of relaxing and resting; it is only my stomach that is confused about the lack of traffic coming through.

Today I have consumed 320 calories, which is about a quarter of my usual daily total and consistent with the research around fasting. I definitely feel low on energy now, but much in the same way I do after exercise. I have felt quite emotional today - lots of reflecting and thinking about people that I love and dreaming of the future. But unlike the end of last week where the emotions were quite sad or confronting, today I have felt really grateful and connected and happy.

So that is the end of my first cleanse day and the end of my first week on this 30 day challenge. Tomorrow I start it all again including the weigh in, measurements and bathroom selfie. I am very much looking forward to starting week two and being able to compare each day to last week. If you're reading this, I hope you're enjoying my little self-experiment. Feel free to leave comments or ask questions on any of the posts.

L x

Mental state: tired, relaxed, optimistic
Physical state: Need to pee every 40 mins

Day 7: AM - fast times at ridgemont high

So, here we are. Cleanse day.

I woke up thinking about how much I like eating, how I always have, and how hard today might be for me. I did this not as an act of self sabotage but as a way to address my curiosities and concerns. The idea behind a cleanse/fasting day is to give your digestive system a day off, to flush it out with lots of water and let your body focus its energy on repairing other areas. Being the massive sceptic that I am, I did a lot of research about this concept. I mean, a lot. And I am happy to say that although it feels counter-intuitive after years of being told to eat five small meals a day, I am looking forward to trying it out, comfortable that there is enough independent scientific research backing up it's safety and efficacy.

As per usual, I got up and had my shot of watery poo tonic and a glass of water. Rather than then preparing my shake, I instead put two scoops of berry cleanse powder in a glass and mixed it with water; much like you make cordial. The powder smelled very sweet and berry-like so I was instantly suspicious of what I was about to put my poor, harassed taste buds through. It says to mix this powder with only warm or cool water as it is full of plant enzymes that are heat sensitive. I checked with Kristy that it was ok to add more water and ice, which made it look like a raspberry coloured cocktail. Embracing that idea I took a sip...

Delicious. Refreshing. Seriously, all it needed was a shot of gin or vodka and a little umbrella. And I get to drink this four times today!

I checked the schedule and I actually get to snack throughout the day, only in much smaller quantities. The idea is that blood-sugar levels should remain stable. So an hour after my breakfast cocktail I had my first cleanse day 'snack'. They look and taste like giant ovaltines which was a nice little trip down memory lane. Another hour and a bottle of water later I had my second ovaltine snack.

So now it is nearly time for my lunch cocktail and I am feeling very relaxed and not hungry at all. I would almost describe this feeling as being tipsy. If I start drunk dialling any of you, you know what's happening. Considering I have only consumed 85 calories so far today I cannot believe how much energy I have, and no signs of hypoglycaemia. If I don't eat regularly I am usually the hangriest person alive (hungry/angry = hangry).

I made very few plans today assuming I would be like a flea-ridden Dickensian prisoner in a dark cell, begging the guards for a scrap of bread. Instead, am feeling much closer to this:

Let's see what happens next!

L x

Mental state: happy, relaxed, warm, fuzzy (drunk?)
Physical state: totes normal (and not at all like Phoebe Cates - yet)

Sunday, 6 October 2013

Day 6: do whatever you feel like Sunday

Today was the first day of daylight savings, it is a long weekend and there was sunshine and blue skies as far as the eye could see. So naturally I spent the morning sun baking and catching up with friends, which is a perfect example of Do Whatever You Feel Like Sunday (DWYFLS). This is a concept that has been going for a few years now. Basically, Sundays are precious and in that last day before going back to work, you are only required to do exactly what you want.

I had to mix up my routine a bit today as I was going out for dinner. So I had a shake for breakfast and then a shake for lunch. At about 5pm I went out for a walk but I felt noticeably tired and fatigued at the end. It's good to know that my energy isn't completely limitless and that I am still human (not quite a superhero yet). Dinner out was great and much easier than I thought it would be. I ate seafood pizza and talked to a cute guy. I didn't feel the need to drink or over-eat. My body knew when it was full, and I have to say that it was nice to chew my dinner as opposed to drinking it.

I decided not to have a big night as tomorrow is my first cleanse day which basically means no eating and a lot of drinking. So I'm home now trying to read up on it. Tomorrow's post should be interesting to say the least.

L x

Mental state: happy
Physical state: tired and sore - in a good way :)

Saturday, 5 October 2013

Day 5: everybody's workin' for the weekend

Ok so half way through my second glass of wine last night I was tipsy. That was confusing but cool as I definitely didn't need or want another glass. Also, the benefit of getting tipsy from two glasses of wine is that you don't wake up with a hangover (who knew?!).

My apparently limitless energy levels are continuing; I woke up at 6am but managed to stay in bed until 7:30am. I expected to have immediate heel pain when putting my foot on the floor but all I had was a little stiffness and a dull ache that went away once I had been up and moving about for a bit.

Tempting as it was to head back out for another walk I decided to drink my berry shake on the balcony and catch some rays on this beautiful day. I can actually sit and sip and enjoy drinking the shake now - how things can change in 5 days.

After a day of relaxing in the sun I got myself all dolled up to head out to a birthday party. This was going to be the first test of not only my resolve but also my stamina! I can say that over five hours I had two glasses of red wine and didn't feel like I was missing out or was the only sober person at the party. The friends I was with are only relatively new in my world, less than a year, but are such sweet, loving, and generous people who have helped me so much during these very tumultuous three months. It was fortifying to spend an evening with such beautiful, good people.

As I had lazed around all day today I hadn't had a big lunch so I snacked on some olives and a couple of hot chips at the party but was happily surprised by how few I needed and wanted. I can only assume that my body is getting a lot of the goodness it needs thus reducing my cravings - and I usually LOVE party food. There's something about plates of little finger food that makes me crazy. I love it like a fat kid loves cake.

So now I am home, drinking my berry shake and about to head off to bed as I am out and about again tomorrow night. Hopefully it is a nice day tomorrow and I will get up early and head out for a nice, big walk. I am feeling so energised and excited about getting my body moving again - it's amazing how much lighter I feel now that a lot of dead weight is being cleared away. In more ways than one :)

L x

Mental state: reflective, grateful
Physical state: on top of the world

Friday, 4 October 2013

Day 4: PM - off the wagon

So, how great is wine?

I went for a big, cleansing walk that was just under 8km. By the end of it I could feel my body protesting three days of consecutive exercise so I'm giving it a rest tomorrow, but wow. This feels like such a victory. This is a milestone that I am celebrating. I cannot remember the last time I was able to exercise like this and not be in terrible pain.

When I got home feeling so proud of myself, it took very little persuasion from my beautiful flatmate to get a glass of red wine in my hand while we chatted about the days events. I am really surprised at how mentally and physically resilient I am feeling. Even my flatmate commented on how high my energy levels seemed in spite of my day.

And as I said above - how great is wine?!

I'm not going to lie, I plan on having another glass before the night is through. But after the day I have had, I am going to be kind to myself. My body is still a temple but tonight is a high holy holiday... or something ;)

L x

Mental state: tired
Physical state: tired

Day 4: AM - I need a drink, a really big one

I knew that today was going to be significant. I knew that today was going to be exciting and sad. What I didn't know is how many other random things would combine to leave me very much wanting a drink right now. It figures that this all happens while I'm trying to treat my body like a temple. But if I can't drink, then I guess I'll blog. Here goes..

One of the people I loved and have lost over these last three months was my partner and best friend of 10 years. Let's call him 'Archer' after one of his favourite animated characters - I certainly don't think he would object. About 15 months ago, Archer and I were in a really loved up phase after going through some really rough times when we found out that we had both landed amazing jobs. For the first time in our lives we were both enjoying success and both earning good money. It was a really special time that felt like the beginning of something great.

So it feels very significant that I am ending this job today, after 15 months, whilst being miles away from that girl and that boy who were happily planning for the rest of their lives. More so because Archer is now loved up with the girl who he left me for, the girl who he met at his amazing new job.

But as is the way of things, I happened to have a job interview this morning as well. So a sad day for leaving, but a happy day of new possibilities. Just as I was leaving work to go to the interview, I got an email. From Archer. In that strange synchronistic timing that he and I have always had, he picked that moment to reply to an email that I had sent him a week ago. Shaking with sadness and anger and loss I felt able to quickly reply and get across what I needed him to know before jumping in a cab and heading to my interview. It's funny to think that the interview was the least significant part of my day but it's true. It went smoothly and was interesting and I have already heard that they would like to proceed to second interview.

As I left the interview I checked my phone only to see that I had a message from a very dear someone who I lost in the fall-out of my relationship. That friendship is down, but maybe not out. There are a lot of layers of hurt to sift through first. But I think we both want to try. And even if it doesn't work, I feel sure that I will be able to walk away grateful that I knew this person.

By this stage I should have been a complete mess, but in fact I was only shaking slightly as I headed back to work for my farewell lunch. If at any time previously in these last three months this had happened, even over a couple of days, I would not have been able to stop the tears from falling. But I am proud to say that although the pain I feel is deep, I have held it together. I am able to think clearly through the fog of my hurt and know that the pain will lessen eventually.

So now I'm headed out for a walk. My head and my heart may be hurting but my body is not. And thank fuck for that. I'm going to go and walk and walk and walk and let the wind blow away my worries and the sunshine warm my soul.

L x

Mental state: sad, mad, glad
Physical state: strong and light

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Day 3: PM - for the record

Firstly let me just say how lucky I am to have one of my besties Kristy as my coach for this cleanse. Lucky for me, but maybe not so lucky for her. I told her upfront that I was hugely sceptical about this whole thing and was likely to be a stubborn moody cow for most of the 30 days. It is only because of how much I love, respect and trust her that I am even doing it. She would not put me in harms way. And she is not asking me to do anything she has not done herself. Also, Kristy is smart. Like, crazy smart. And, her mumma didn't raise no fool (side note - hi Kristy's mumma! Sorry about the previous post - or if you didn't read it, pretend I said nothing and definitely do not go back and read it).

With that out of the way, I present you the quickest way to summarise tonight's dinner shake:

Seriously, berries. They are my new best friend. They made drinking my shake pleasant. I love them so much that I want to take them behind the bike shed and get them pregnant. I was really missing eating solid food so the berries gave me some much needed texture and chew whilst also upping my calorie intake. After exercising for two days in a row I definitely felt like I needed to add some more fuel for my body to burn.

Which brings me to another point I want to clarify. I am not doing this to become some skinny bag of bones. I want to be fit and strong and fast. My body has to be functional, not just look good. Before I started this, I was trying to consume about 1200 calories on a work day as my job is mostly sedentary. This gave me a good amount of energy, and I was able to exercise every second day. I am still consuming 1200 calories a day on this program and will continue to listen to my body and add more food if I think I need it. However, because of the nutrient and protein rich foods/shakes/tonics that I am consuming, I have no doubt that I will start to shed fat. And good riddance to it too. But I am very much hoping to replace that with lean muscle. You never know - you may even see the before and after photos on here at the end (...christ - I really do have NO shame).

Anyway, that's me done for another day. May you all have sweet dreams *wwwiiiinnnnkkkkkkkk*

L x

Mental state: emotional, reflective, happy
Physical state: tired and sore from my walk - but in a deeply satisfying way

Day 3: AM - may contain adult themes

[WARNING: this post contain adult themes. Mum, Dad - feel free to skip this one. You have been warned.]

I slept ok last night. Woke up at 4am with bad dreams, but I settled really quickly and was able to drift back into passable sleep within the hour. The next time I woke up was when my alarm pulled me out of a very vivid, very intense dream. My heart was pounding and it took me a minute to realise that it wasn't real.

In the spirit of being brutally honest (oh god, I really hope my parents aren't reading this), I have to tell you that this dream was not unpleasant. In fact, it was positively delightful. This was possibly the best sex dream I have ever had. I mean, I have NEVER had a dream quite like it. I bounced out of bed with a huge smile on my face, and instantly messaged Kristy:

So after that interesting start to the morning I went through my morning routine, but when it came to shake time I decided to only have 1.5 scoops of shake powder as opposed to the usual 2 scoops. I was hoping that this would help me feel a little less full throughout the day. It worked, and by morning tea time I was looking forward to eating my carrots and hummus, and I had been drinking water all morning without feeling like I was forcing it down. I also had little to no bloating and was feeling good physically. Emotionally I was feeling very... emotional. Not that this is news. I cry at everything - happy or sad. But I think I was just more conscious of the different emotions I was feeling.

Lunch was great as I had an appetite and could enjoy eating. No afternoon tea for me as I am going to go home and have that extra .5 of a scoop of shake before heading out for a walk. I am really looking forward to this walk; I haven't exercised on consecutive days without pain for over a year.

Mental state: emotional, reflective
Physical state: feeling strong, no soreness from yesterday's walk

L x

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Day 2: Evening - keeping my eye on the prize

One of the reasons I am doing this 30 day challenge is to see if my body can heal itself quicker. If you have read some of my previous blog posts you may have seen that I discovered running a couple of years ago and I fell hard in love. I felt like I had finally found something that benefited my mind and my body. And I did it nearly every day. Over a year ago now I developed a hip injury that means that my hips twist, resulting in shooting pain in my heels and worst of all - migraines. This stopped me running and has even made walking painful at times. But slowly slowly I am getting back into shape and looking after my hips and spine. I can now go walking every second day with no negative consequences. I want to increase this to every day in the hopes of being able to run ASAP.

Funnily enough, Kristy found a photo of us today at our first ever running event and seeing it has made me so much more determined. Running is the one and only thing that has ever made my heart truly happy. The one thing that is just for me. The one thing that I don't have to share with anyone else. My happy place.

I know that I am heart broken right now, I feel it in a very real way, but I also feel sure that after I complete my first run that my heart will start to heal. So that's where I have to get to. That's why I'm sticking with this no matter how much mouldy ass I need to drink.

So tonight I did a standard walk of about 6.7km and it took me an hour. Energy levels were good and my body felt fine. The longer I walked the less full and bloated I felt as well, so I will definitely try and increase to a daily walk if I can. I'm not sure if it's my new super sensitive nose but I could smell my sweat when I got back and it smells different. Not bad or good - just different. I'm assuming this is a result of toxins leaving my body so I'm taking it as a good sign.

I drank about half a litre of water before preparing my shake. I am happy to report that no pep talk was needed before taking my first sip tonight. All I thought was 'pep talk', started giggling and got on with it. I took more time drinking it, allowing myself to actually taste it and feel it in my mouth, and I am overjoyed to report that I could definitely taste chocolate this time and my gag reflex did not engage at all. It's definitely becoming less chemical tasting and more sweet. Thank jebus for that.

I'm off to bed now as I feel satisfyingly tired in both mind and body.

Mental state: determined, focused
Physical state: minimal bloating, good energy levels

L x

Day 2: Afternoon - where's my super suit?

After morning tea I had lots of energy and was able to focus and concentrate well at work. I'm still feeling constantly full which is strange but not uncomfortable. Glad I wore my elastic-waisted skirt today (not. even. kidding).

One thing I have noticed is that I seem to have a heightened sense of smell and taste. Nothing major yet, I'm just noticing smells more - luckily most of them have been pleasant. As for taste, I got brown rice sushi with salmon and avocado for lunch and every mouthful was a flavour sensation. Which is weird as it's the same sushi I have been eating for months. There has been speculation in the office that maybe all the nutrients, vitamins and minerals I am ingesting are waking up some latent super power. So yeah, I'll probably end up being a superhero. Whatevs.

Was just feeling quite tired and low on energy but I have been doing intensive spreadsheet analysis work for most of the day. I just had another of those little fibre snack muesli bars and I'm now feeling a little more alert. I'm smashing the water as I'm planning on going home, getting changed and heading out for a walk. It will be really interesting to see what my energy levels are like and how my body feels afterwards.

Soon you won't be able to tell us apart. Just sayin'.
Will report back tonight.

Mental state: happy, motivated
Physical state: slight headache, mild bloating

L x

Day 2: Morning - if at first you don't succeed

So I went to bed last night and expected to be asleep within minutes after such a big day. But instead I still had a bit of energy so I used that time to reflect on the day and, I'm not going to lie, I also lay there and enjoyed the feeling of jiggling my bloated belly before drifting off to sleep.

During these last 3 months, sleep has been the thing that has suffered the most. It is not unusual for me to wake up multiple times in the night, have nightmares, anxiety or worst of all - insomnia. There have been some nights where I have been fast asleep for 1.5 hours before waking up and staying completely alert and awake until 6:30am, where I then catch an hour's sleep before dragging myself out of bed at 7:30am to go to work. I am not a pretty picture on only 3.5 hours of broken sleep. So I am happy to report that I slept soundly last night and woke up at 5:50am feeling much less bloated. I felt alert and rested so rather than trying to go back to sleep I enjoyed laying in bed and reading the news.

As yesterday morning had been so hectic, I forgot to take the dreaded "before shot" - you know, me in underwear taking a full length selfie in the bathroom mirror (*groan*). So I got that out of the way but I have to admit that I secretly enjoyed staring at myself in the most critical way, in the most unflattering bathroom-yellow light. It was freeing to be able to look and laugh at this body of mine.

Acutely aware of how bad I felt yesterday, I decided to mix up the morning routine by having a big glass of water and the tonic shot first, then heading off to shower and dress. I was hoping that by giving my stomach time to settle in between the tonic and the shake that I would reduce the risk of nausea. I blended my shake powder with water, gave myself another quick pep talk ("Seriously? You're scared of a beverage. Laaaaame.") then drank it down. As per last nights shake, I could barely taste it but what I could taste was definitely less gross. Either I'm getting used to it or the flavour is changing for me. I felt instantly full after finishing my shake, but not in the uncomfortable way of yesterday. I took my accelerator tablet then headed off to work feeling much more excited about the day ahead.

So now it's morning tea time and I still feel completely full from my shake. However I plan on doing some exercise this evening so am going to munch on some carrots and hommus to up my calorie intake. I will also take my first flush tablet of the day. Am happy to say that so far these tablets have not negatively affected me in any way. If they are doing something then it is not intruding upon my life and I have not felt the urge to run to the bathroom.

Mental state: well rested and content
Physical state: mild bloating

L x

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Day 1: Evening - harden up princess

So now it is dinner time. Shake time. And I am feeling more than a little trepidation. On the sage advice of my guru Kristy I decided to make this shake with just water to enable me to scull it and not give my tastebuds time to realise what horror I was inflicting upon them. I felt no hunger to speak of (which is pretty amazing considering I had only had a small lunch and snack as my solid food for the day), but I figured it was best to get this thing out of the way ASAP so I would still have a couple of hours to roll around like a giant bloated baby before bed.

I put the powder and water into blender and gave it a whir. Pouring it into the cup was much easier without the ice and also made the volume significantly less which helped me psych myself up to drink it. It smelled deceivingly nice as per this morning. I stood in the kitchen staring at it for about a minute before I gave myself a stern talking to along the lines of - "for crying out loud, harden the fuck up. You cannot seriously be scared of a beverage". With that pep talk I strode to the lounge, took a sip of water and tipped the shake into my mouth. Once I had started drinking continuously I found I could barely taste it. Finishing it in one gulp I chased it with a big drink of water.

That was remarkably different to this mornings experience. Having it with water only was a winner, and I don't have the instant nausea. Until the day when I begin to enjoy the taste I think I am going to stick to this method. Am happy to report that this thinner shake has also not contributed to bloating me further. Although am considering wearing elastic-waisted pants to work tomorrow just in case.

I have one flush tablet to take right before bed and that is my first day on the program completed.

Me at the end of this challenging first day
Mental state: relieved!
Physical state: temp has settled down and bloating is stable if not reducing

L x

Day 1: Afternoon - oompa loompa, doompa-dee-do

Nausea subsided around 1pm so I took the opportunity to grab some lunch as I was feeling a bit low on energy. I had salmon sashimi with avocado which was delicious. Although, the persistent feeling of extreme fullness and bloating made eating lunch comparable to loading clowns into an already full clown car.

At about 4pm I had the weird sensation of feeling a little hungry/low on energy whilst still feeling as bloated, full and round as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Luckily I got some muesli bar style fibre snacks with this cleansing pack. The bar was delicious and easy to nibble on and made me feel better without adding to the bloated feeling.

I took my second accelerator tablet then as well and started to wonder how the hell I was going to drink a whole other shake for dinner. Forgetting the fear of the taste, I honestly believed I was going to look like Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka if I tried to cram one more thing in my mouth (side note - aaaaaahhhhhhhhhahahahaha cram in my mouth *wink* #Iam12).

Got home from work and did the only sensible thing - took off my pants and lay down! My belly looked like a beautiful round dome that men of a certain age develop after a youth of drinking too much beer. However after about half an hour of lying down, I started to feel less clown car-ish and more human again. Am even considering having my dinner shake soon - eeek!

How I've felt for most of today
Mental state: feeling clear, alert and able to concentrate
Physical state: Feel like I have a mild temperature, very bloated

L x

Day 1: Morning - what the actual fuck?

Woke up nervous but excited about starting the program.

First things first - get on the scales (good lord), then measure every surface of myself and record the findings (I think I have a fine, swan-like neck).

Next up I headed to the kitchen and poured myself a shot of this tonic stuff that is the colour of watery poo.  My amazing cleanse coach (and trusted friend of 20 years) Kristy assures me that it's better to approach this like a shot of tequila at the bar - slam it down fast then chase it with something else.

Like I have done many times before I took a deep breath and took the shot. Having put the stuff in the fridge the night before, it was pleasantly cold and masked the oncoming taste of mouldy ass until it was at the back of my throat and I was chugging water like a college kid with a beer bong at a keg party.

Feeling slightly smug, I started to prepare my shake. Adding two scoops of pleasant smelling chocolate powder to water and ice, I blended it up and poured it out feeling relieved about how it looked like a slightly watery chocolate thick shake and how good it smelled; maybe this liquid breakfast was going to be ok after all.


Much like how vanilla essence smells like heaven but tastes like hell if you swig it straight from the bottle, this shit was like someone had crushed up an entire bottle of multi-vitamins and then waved some cocoa and coconut over the top in a half-hearted attempt to make it palatable. That person should be fired from their job immediately. IMMEDIATELY!

It took me 15 minutes but I ingested every last sip of that monstrosity. By the last mouthful I was gagging and my stomach felt like it was full to capacity. I grabbed a small glass of water and quickly swallowed my first pill for the day - something called an accelerator. I was having visions of it accelerating my chocolate covered vomit all over my kitchen.

I got to work still feeling like I was locked in an epic battle of control with my stomach. It wanted to fervently eject its contents and I wanted very much for them to stay exactly where they were. I texted Kristy and asked if I had done something wrong because surely the shake is not supposed to be like that.

She replied immediately - laughing at me. And then broke it down like this: the more acidic my body is, the worse it will taste. As my body starts to alkilise, the taste will change and I may even come to love it. It's a good thing I love and trust this woman because by this stage I am feeling sick and seriously questioning my mental health.

my reply to Kristy's assertions that this would only be temporary pain.

So here we are at morning tea time. I am still the most bloated and nauseated person alive. But I am sipping water in an effort to push this stuff through my system ASAP. I have decided against having any morning tea in an attempt to not antagonise my already unhappy tummy. Instead I have just taken my second tablet for the day - this one is designed to flush out my system but I am assured that it will NOT having me running for the loo and unable to leave.

Mental state: cautiously optimistic
Physical state: slightly headachey, very bloated and spewy

Only 29.5 days to go!

L x

the price of love

The price of love is that sometimes it is not returned, or worse - you and it are rejected by the people you love and trust with all of your heart and mind and body.

This happened to me starting three months ago with people who I never would have expected. People who were the only ones capable of shaking me to my very foundations. I have no shame in saying that this situation has come close to breaking me and has made me question every belief I hold. Including that about love.

But starting today, I'm going to try and get it back. For the next 30 days I am going to write about the nutritional cleanse and detox that I am undertaking. Let me be clear - I think these things are generally a load of crap that feed into the fears of insecure women. But in the spirit of trying something new, of testing my firm beliefs, of trusting someone who has always had my back, and trying to say 'yes' when I would normally say 'no' - I'm doing this. God damnit I am doing this because I am stubborn and determined and I can't feel any worse than I have recently.

For the next 30 days I plan to record a brutally honest account of what is happening to me physically and emotionally. I am the world's biggest skeptic but if this thing restores even some of my balance or equilibrium then I figure I have nothing to lose. It's only 30 days, right?

For anyone who is reading this, anyone who is going to come along for the ride - sorry and thanks.

L x